Welcome to the hormonal Hunger Games nobody signed up for —
where your mood swings could qualify for Olympic gymnastics, your cramps deserve a standing ovation,
and your uterus is out here freelancing as a demolition expert.
Hi, I’m Angelina Mi Lajki — Creative Unicorn, AI Whisperer, and your friendly neighborhood hormone narrator. 💅✨
And question of the day:
Do I actually like him… or did my ovaries just put glitter on a red flag?
Because honestly? Women’s hormonal reality should be taught in schools, printed on tax forms, and broadcast at halftime during the Super Bowl.
But instead, we’ve been gaslit into calling it “mood swings” since the medieval era. 🙄
So today, we’re breaking the bloody silence — literally. 🩸
Grab your heating pad, your snacks, and maybe your therapist —
because we’re diving headfirst into the four phases of the female emotional universe, the chaos of perimenopause, the politics of pain, and the beauty of just keeping it real.
🌑 Phase 1: The Menstrual Mood Swing Massacre
This is the part where you’re simultaneously alive, dead, crying, watching TV,
and plotting your escape from society.
Your uterus is basically auditioning for an action movie, and you’re supposed to smile through a Zoom meeting.
Let’s be clear: periods are not a “monthly inconvenience.”
They’re a full-time unpaid internship in pain tolerance.
Cramps? Free.
Bloating? Free.
Existential dread? Also free.
You pop painkillers under your desk, smile on Teams calls, and pray the chair isn’t white.
Meanwhile, men get “man flu” and call in sick.
Where’s our cramp leave, Chad?
🌱 Phase 2: The Follicular Delusion Era
And then… the sun rises.
Estrogen wakes up in a glitter robe like, “Did someone order world domination?”
Suddenly you’re full of ideas, optimism, and libido.
You think, I should start a brand, a podcast, a band, and also learn French!
I once joined a pottery class, color-coded my trauma, flirted with three men named Daniel, and started seven new creative projects — all in one follicular weekend.
You’re the main character again.
You’re back, baby.
Until—
🌕 Phase 3: The Ovulation Glow (a.k.a. The Love Delusion 💘)
Hair flawless. Libido feral. Confidence illegal.
You’re convinced your soulmate just made eye contact at the grocery store.
Spoiler: he didn’t. You’re just ovulating.
During this phase, your hormones are literally trying to seduce you into bad decisions.
It’s biological trickery — nature’s way of saying, “Sure, text your ex, it’s destiny.”
Also, shout-out to Greek Tampon Guy, a.k.a. the reason my friends still cry-laugh to this day.
Long story short? Let’s just say romance can be messy… in more ways than one. 😅
🍂 Phase 4: The Luteal Apocalypse
Welcome to Hell’s Week — the PMS boss level.
You’re irritable, exhausted, over it.
Crumbs on the counter feel like betrayal.
This is when your patience runs on fumes and your empathy is on strike.
You start noticing everything that annoys you — loud breathing, unsolicited advice, and the patriarchy.
It’s not drama — it’s discernment.
You’re hormonally clairvoyant, babe.
🔥 The Final Boss Level: Perimenopause & Menopause — The Hot Flash Era
Alright, let’s talk about the chapter nobody glamorizes.
You wake up drenched like you’ve been raving in a sauna.
Your partner sleeps peacefully beside you — dry as the Sahara —
and you suddenly understand true rage.
Your internal thermostat’s broken, your memory’s buffering,
and society’s still telling you to “age gracefully.”
Babe, I’m not aging — I’m molting.
Men got Viagra.
We got “try yoga.”
Half of women enter perimenopause without even knowing what it is.
They think they’re broken — they’re not.
They’re evolving.
It’s not a breakdown — it’s a reconstruction.
You’re shedding the old version of you.
Welcome to Phoenix Mode: fewer eggs, zero f***s, all fire. 🔥
⚡ My Story – The ER, the Babies & the Blessing of Choice
At 38, I had an ectopic pregnancy at a rare week 10.
Emergency surgery. Blood loss. Fear.
I remember lying there in the ER thinking, “This might be it.”
My boys — born 2004 and 2005, my pseudo-twins — weren’t babies anymore,
but they flashed through my mind in those terrifying moments.
Side note: when they actually were babies, I thought breastfeeding was birth control.
Spoiler: it’s not. 😅
That night changed everything.
It reminded me how miraculous this body is —
how much it endures, bleeds, heals, and still keeps showing up.
And how lucky I am to live in a time where I had a choice.
Two abortions — one as a teenager, one in my twenties —
both made with fear, shame, and the will to survive.
Those choices gave me a future.
They gave me my boys, my creative life, my sanity, my story.
No woman should ever have to justify her decisions about her body.
Not to a man. Not to a politician. Not to a priest.
We don’t have “women’s issues.”
We have biology, bravery, and unpaid research hours.
💡 Hormonal Intelligence = Superpower
Here’s the secret no one tells you:
Your hormones aren’t chaos — they’re codes.
Mood swings? Data.
Crying at commercials? Data.
Needing to bleach your kitchen at midnight? Still data.
We’re not crazy — we’re Wi-Fi connected to the divine.
Every phase has its purpose:
🌑 Rest. 🌱 Create. 🌕 Connect. 🍂 Release.
And menopause? That’s the DLC expansion pack.
The Eternal Summer of No More F*s.**
Being hormonal doesn’t make us weak — it makes us intuitive, powerful, and slightly dangerous.
It’s empathy with side effects.
It’s creative genius with cramps.
It’s holy-motional intelligence.
💋 The Mic Drop
So yeah — maybe I am cute but psycho.
But I’m also divine, dangerous, and done apologizing.
Hormonal? Hell yes.
That’s just holy-mo-tional intelligence.
Now go forth and level up your selfie —
and if you cry halfway through doing it?
Same, babe. Same. 💘🧪
🌈 As Always Extra RainbOH!w Sparkles & Good Vibes OH!nly ✨🦄💦🌈
/ Angelina Mi Lajki
If this post made you laugh, scream, or send it to your bestie saying “this is literally us,”
then we’re officially cycle-synced. 💅
💖 Subscribe to the Level Up Your Selfie Podcast for more episodes like this.
💖 Follow on Instagram @angelina.milajki for daily sparkle therapy, hormonal memes & creative chaos.
💖 Share this post to empower your tribe of Happy herOH!ines.
Because we’re not too emotional —
we’re just accurately tuned to the universe’s Wi-Fi. ✨
